it takes at least an hour of highly calculated planning and an intense thought process to work out what the best scenario would look like when taking you to a simple thirty minute day-care visit while i jog in place alongside strangers also jogging in place.
examples of requirements for this task:
-jovie must be fed.
-jovie must have had a nap recently.
-jovie must have pooed at least within an hour before daycare date or there might be trouble.
-jovie must be awake.
-jovie must be in a good mood.
-jovie must be alive.
-jovie mustn't be thirsty.
-jovie must be high maintenance.
it takes roughly 30 minutes to drive home from the office in the HOV lane, and the entire time we are in transit, i mentally orchestrate our trip to the gym.
i only workout for thirty minutes at the gym. it's not much, and i wish i could get in an hour...but...i was told by someone (mom) to choose my battles. i think that an hour would be pushing my luck. for both of us, really. although, it would be a fun experiment to see who entered a trauma-induced catatonic state first. i honestly, am not certain if it would be you.
you are a happy baby 99% of the time. the other 1% of your life is filled with HATRED. and that hatred manifests itself into a fit upon site of Alaina at 24 Hr Fitness. does she pinch you? did she make you eat apples? i know how you don't really like apples so much. whatever it was she did. you don't like her. and you are extremely public about your distaste.
so. i run out the door really fast before you give me that look that screams "why on EARTH would you DARE do this to me, you horrid, selfish beast?!!?!?"
this is actually an INCREDIBLE way to get me to workout. it's a game for me. i want to see how long you last without my name being called on the PA system. the first time we went, you only made it 12 minutes and 8 seconds. since then, you've made it the full 30 minutes without Alaina giving up hope on you. meanwhile, i am upstairs watching the clock like a hawk.
before you came along, my obsession with the ticking seconds were more of a focus on how much longer i had to be at the gym wasting my life when i could think of about 18 brazilian better things i could be doing. like...writing a thesis on renaissance italian cutlery. cutting split ends off of my hair with cuticle clippers. exercise was treacherous back then. time stood still. the earth was frozen. life as i knew it no longer existed beyond the confines of the gym.b
now, however, as i watch the clock, my perspective has changed. no longer do i look at the time and think "holy fire....it's only been 2 minutes and 33 seconds?!?! this is never going to end" but instead i cheer on the time. "ALRIGHT! 2 minutes and 33 seconds of freedom! this is the most amazing thing ever! i could just....run and run and run and run!!!!!"
before i know it. my time is up and i slowly creep back towards the kids area terrified of what i will find. visions of past out day care workers. and kids eating cookie dough. and visions of you hanging from the rafters with peanut butter all over your hands and face. you've turned Alaina into a zombie and have started an army of toddlers. or worse yet, you are a pawn in the zombie army of some brat that isn't as smart or important as you are.
but instead, you are happily playing with Alaina while the other kids run amok all over the little gym.
: /
as Alaina takes notice of my presence in the pickup area, she points to me and says to you "look who is here, jovie!" and the instant you see me, your hatred comes back. the squalling starts. and you cling for dear life to Alaina. if you knew english, you would probably beg Alaina to save you from the horrible sweat-monster that is trying to grab you. but you don't speak english, so instead you sob in fear.
you were supposed to be lost without me, kid. have you forgotten who i am THAT quickly? is your memory span complete after 30 minutes? do you think that Alaina is your mommy now?
need i remind you, young lady? i brought you INTO this gym. i can take you OUT!
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