life as we know it.

is over.

some mom's panic when they find out they are pregnant. it's a scary few days at first. a good scary, don't get me wrong. it's incredibly surreal. you'll experience that one, day. hopefully when you are 32.

a few things go through your head when you first get pregnant:

1. i'm pregnant.
2. ew. dad is gonna know that i "hugged" my husband
3. i'm pregnant.
4. i'm pregnant?!
6. panic.
7. joy.
8. life - as we know it - is over.

i'll stop there. i think that last one warrants an explanation. :)
life isn't over. just. life as we know it. no more going to walmart at 3 am to kill time. no more wild parties. no more robbing banks and vandalizing. it's time to be an adult. and things are about to get a lot more complicated.

not only do you have to be an adult now, you have to be a parent, too. and change diapers.

and that's. some people don't handle that well. some people feel like their entire life is over. because they can't do what they want, whenever they want. they have to take care of the little one first and foremost and protect their sweet baby. and some people take some getting used to the idea before they are settled into the excitement of parenthood.

it only took me about 30 minutes to stop freaking out and start getting excited. so. in the grand scheme of things, that's not bad.
so, yes. life as i knew it was over. and life has totally changed for me. but that was just beginning of a life with you. the past two and a half years (i'm including the gestation period) has been so.much.fun. you surprise me with songs and words and brains and slobber and giggles and boogers and the spilling of milk and this past week?

you gave me a giant surprise when you went pee pee on the potty.

i hadn't really even tried to get you to do it yet. a few times i set you on the toilet while i ran your bath just to see if it would happen by accident. but it hasn't. you laugh. then whine. then gnash your teeth. and so i'd give up before you became crazy, and would let your take your bath. (probably instantly peeing in the warm water. but, that's not my problem, it's not me festooning in that toxic cesspool)

saturday night, Jan. 12, 2013, you had a dry diaper after a 2 hour car ride and i thought "i wonder....". so. with absolutely NO expectations, i set you on the toilet and started reading a book to you. and. seconds later, you did it. you potty-trained yourself!

i was so proud of you for teaching yourself how to go to the bathroom. you are so. independent.

on your own.
grown up.

all of those words mean only one thing: YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE.

this is when my real panic kicked in. i started crying after i rocked you to sleep that night.
it's over. it's done. she's no longer a baby. but a toddler, almost a kid, which means you are basically a teenager, which means you are a monster and a punk, which means you aren't my child anymore. you are now the devil. and you now own me.

no more setting you in a grocery cart at target and tootling around for 2 hours letting you do your thing at your every whim without it affecting me.
instead? i envision being in the store with you hobbling knock-kneed to the bathroom. i see me in a panic trying to find a bathroom. standing in a line begging God to help you have the strength to hold it before it's our turn. i see tiny disgusting bathrooms that haven't seen a disinfectant in....ever...with me trying to squat in front of you to help you out. i see germs. and cholera. and the plague. i see me losing my balance and catching myself on the stickly tile. i see that the nasty bathroom has no toilet paper and i ran out of diaper wipes, and now i have to figure out where to put the doo doo. i see you making a mess on your pants and a bag that doesn't have a spare set of clothes for you, bc i forgot to pack some.

basically, jovie, what i see is a dark, balmy, bacteria infested, moist tunnel of death. and there is no way out but to just jump in and come to terms with it. but it's difficult. i LOVE you in diapers. the saggy bottom. the wrinkly paper sound. the ability to be on MY time instead of your bladder/intestine's. the way you shout "DIAPER CHANGE" in the middle of restaurants. i love how i don't have to include a nasty bathroom while out on the road to get you through your bowel movements, i can pull the car over, plop you onto the backseat and get you all fancied up hassle and germ-free(ish). i love the freedom your diapers bring me.

but now? your bodily functions now own me.

and this is it. the end. life is now.over.


i'm so proud of you for being a big girl.


Stealing is a NO NO.

This letter isn't about you, entirely. You didn't do anything cool. you really ought to consider doing funny things more often so that i'd have something to write about. :)
Actually. i should say this: you do TONS of hilarious things, just...they aren't HUGE things that the general public would care much about. stuff like...your words for things, and how you pronounce some words, and some of your mannerisms. If i wrote to you about that, this blog would be a little overrun with short one-liner letters.

maybe you would enjoy that when you are older? only if i raise you to be narcissistic, which...i probably have, unfortunately.

But. this letter concerns you, but it's something that I did:

i stole your very first bicycle.

i didn't set out that day to steal it. i've actually never stolen anything before in my life. but the christmas you turned 2. i legitimately stole a bike from Wal-mart.

Here's what happened:

you, your daddy and i were driving home on Dec. 21st. we had been at nana and papaw's for the Carter Family Christmas, and I needed something from the pharmacy in Wal-mart. You and your daddy stayed in the car while i went in and after i got what i needed, i was headed to the check out and saw the CUSTEST little plastic tricycle for kids 2 and up and i thought "MY little girl NEEDS THIS.

i grabbed the box and went to the self check-out area to make my purchases.

i scanned the medicine (or whatever it was i bought. maybe nail polish?) and then i scanned the box with the trike. The barcode i used was invalid. but that was OK there were 3 more to choose from. so i tried the second and the third and then the fourth. all invalid and at this point, the register notified the clerk that i needed help with my item, so the fella that works at walmart came over and i said "i scanned the trike, but it didn't take"

the guy grunted a few syllables and said "ok. you are set now"

so i continued my checkout and got my receipt and left.

as we drove home, it dawned on me that my total was only 19 dollars when the trike alone was $25.

and the trike was NOT on the receipt!



oh dear.
my heart started racing and i got a little frazzled. i told c that i had just stolen this bike. i literally walked out of walmart with the thing in my hand and STOLE it.

and (i shouldn't tell you this...because you don't need to lose respect for me, or get any stupid ideas) it was EASY to do. as in. REALLY REALLY easy. SCARY EASY.

don't worry. I was able to reconcile the situation a few days later, but. it was too late. the damage had been done - albeit unknowingly - i am now a convict. a thief. a burglar. and it wasn't even my fault that i am a menace to society.

It's yours.