big sister

i was so ready for you to be a big sister. you have been doing so well with chores and helping out and being such a wonderful companion....and it is the perfect time to have a little brother or sister for you to dote on. to take care of. to fight with. to be annoyed with.

in all honesty, i still consider you a big sister. i still consider myself a mother of two.

people don't really talk about miscarriage often. you hear bits and pieces of it. but it turns out, more women have miscarriages than i would have ever imagined. it's horrific. we should talk about it. because people need to talk. holding in the emotions of loss just isn't fair.

it's not fair to me.
to you.
to your daddy.
to the baby that we lost.
to the couples that will lose a pregnancy after us.

i think about the baby. for whatever reason, i've decided it was a boy. in my mind i picture a him. i wonder what he would have been like. i wonder if his little friends would have crushes on you. i wonder if you would take care of him when you were a freshman in college and he was a freshman in high school. i wonder if he would have crushes on your friends....i wonder how he would have made our family complete. i wonder if he is in heaven. and if he is...he can watch us. and see us. and learn who we are. and come to know us. but we won't know him.

it makes me angry that i won't know him.
it makes me horrifically sad that i can't be a mom to him like i am to you.
it makes me sad that i won't see his smile or hear his laugh. or hold his hand.

two days ago, i thought i had life growing in my tummy. i told you all the time what a wonderful big sissy you are going to be.

and now...you ask me about the baby in my tummy and i am paralyzed.
how do i explain this to you?
obviously i can't.
so i just told you that i was wrong! that there isn't a baby after all.

you were satisfied with that answer.

but i'm not.
i am confused.
you get it, though.

yesterday there was a baby. today there isn't. what's so hard to grasp about that, right?
oh. to be as simple as a toddler.

i'm so angry at my body.
i'm so angry that i couldn't keep the baby alive.

i'm so angry that you aren't going to be a big sister, jovie, but i'm telling you right now. you are THE best big sister that i've ever known.

every day my love for you grows stronger and the main thing i have learned (so far) from losing the baby that was in my tummy is that i love you more and more and more every single day. I'm so thankful that you were safe in my womb. i'm so thankful that you had no complications. i'm so thankful for your laughter and your soft little cold hands always nurturing me as you copy how i love you.

to not know your love would be the greatest tragedy in my life.