Jovie-size

you and i did a little exercising the other day.

wait. let me backtrack a little and explain (because i KNOOOOOOOW in your lifetime i haven't told you this story or romanticized myself enough and i should do it again in this venue):
i've always been pudgy. i hope to all heaven that you have your daddy's skinny figure. i honestly think it is wasted on him anyway. a man shouldn't be allowed to have a perfect physique...they should be stinky and chest-hairy and gross....so it isn't FAIR that IIIIIII am stinky and gross (but not chest-hairy, thankfully)and your daddy gets to have the gorgeous figure.
however...a few years ago, i got really thin (for me, anyway) and i was all "YAY! I'M HOT! LET'S GO DANCING! AND SHOPPING! AND HAVE OUR PICTURES TAKEN! AND LET EVERYONE SEE ME!"

that only lasted about 3 days and then i got chunky again. then, after having you...sweet little nugget...i am HUGE. big thank you very much there. no. i'm not bitter. i just want you to know that you ruined me and made me ugly and i am fairly certain it's because YOU want to be the prettiest girl in the room.

which you are.

anyway...that afternoon i decided that you and i should mix things up a bit, and we should do "mommy and me" exercises. so fun! i could strap you into the little baby Bjorn and carry you close to my heart while i did some belly dancing. or yoga. or. aerobics. regardless...i just KNEW you you'd LOVE it!

i strapped you nice and snug to my torso, searched on our netflix and found a bunch of workout videos to test out. i put them all in our instant que to be ready to watch each time we decide to get fit. which will be EVERY DAY! because you and i will spend your whole childhood motivating each other! and then we will become a mother/daughter fitness duo! and we will make our own videos! with you strapped to my chest! and we will end hunger! and give peace a chance! and save the day!!!!!

i have such high expectations. i hope that doesn't screw up your childhood. if it does, you are grounded, k?

the first was a video meant for the exact purpose that i wanted; the lady on the video had her infant strapped to a sling so that she and the baby could "bond" while she burned! perfect! you and i will be so close! we will finish each other's sentences while we work off the lunch we ate! this will be the best workout ever!
i started the tape and basically, it consisted of the instructor walking in place and cooing at her (rather ugly) baby. it was boring. not to mention irritating, as she was one of those annoying mothers who treat their infants like a fragile piece of hand blown glass instead of what you all really are: monkeys. honestly, i couldn't stomach it, and my stomach wasn't getting ANY firmer this way. so...FAIL.

i tried another video. this time? baby pilates! perfect for working the midsection which is what is all misshapen and confused right now! you and i will brow closer while we breathe from our centers and imagine strings from our navel to the ceiling! the woman had her baby on her tummy using her as a weight to really amp up the ab workouts! this will be great! you are kinda heavy, but not too heavy so it won't hurt me, but it will still be fun to use you as a human weight system! BUT. you are entirely too wiggly and i spent most of my time trying to get you to sit still. although YOU were getting tons of enjoyment out of it, it wasn't helping my figure whatsoever. so...FAIL.

onto bollywood! weeeeeee! this would be even better because i could sing to you and tickle your toes or something while i wiggled my toosh! i've always wanted to learn how to dance like this! it's so exotic! and peppy! and once you start walking, i will teach you to bollywood and you can become a professional exotic dancer! (no, ma'am. not the x-rated sort. i will CUT you, young lady) PLUS, it would be fun for me anyway because bollywood dancing is COOL! and looks a lot like the way that pop-stars used to dance when i was a kid! NOSTALGIA! oh but wait...i don't have a jingly golden belt. i just have a tiny human wrapped around my torso. also? there was too much jumping involved and you are precious cargo that can't withstand the shock of my leaping and bounding without getting some sort of brain damage. or a broken clavicle. or...nightmares. so...FAIL.

not one to give up! i tried just a regular ole workout video that didn't include babies or excess hopping or wiggling my hip out of place frantically! this really is the better option...it's your very first mommy and me workout and i should start out easy. basic grape vining and knee-lifts to get you warmed up to the whole idea before i enroll you in gymnastics and you go to the Olympics. this is so much more sensible for a 6 month old. brilliant! you are going to be such a star! and gold medals will look GREAT hanging on our refrigerator! unfortunately, by this time you had grown weary and were tired of being strapped to my chest; unable to explore the house or chew on the dog's toys with full abandon.

you started crying. i thought i could make you happy if i altered the moves to be a little more exciting for you. but i quickly realized that turning in circles over and over was only making us both dizzy and we would most likely throw up any second. so...FAIL.

we had given it four solid tried, but an hour later, we only spent approximately 8 minutes doing actual working out with no real cardiovascular success. i'd had enough. you were chewing your hand and drooling all over me, so i said "to heck with this" and sat you in the floor with a bunch of toys and plopped down next to you with a big bowl of ice cream.

i think it's only right for us to reward ourselves for all of the hard work that we had done by doing 4 different workout videos in one day, don't you?

thanks for being such a great fitness partner,